Yes, Therapists Also Experience Anxiety
Last night, well, early this morning, I woke up at 5am with a tightness in my chest. This isn’t the first time it has happened and it is happening more frequently right now. The other day I also woke up at 2am, checked my phone, moved to the living room as to not disturb my partner, and lost myself for a few hours watching YouTube before I returned to bed sometime near 6am. It took a minute for me to realize, but this, this waking up in the middle of the night, this is my anxiety. I, a “professional” an “expert” am experiencing anxiety.
Anxiety is a very unique feeling. It can creep in slowly or hit you like a ton of bricks. For me the past few days, it’s crept into through my dreams, waking up feeling “off”, disoriented and unable to get back to bed. And trust me that, the not getting back to sleep is a big deal for me-- I am the world’s best sleeper (thanks mom for vacuuming during naptime when I was a child). Now back to that anxiety. I feel a tightness in my chest, my heart beating in my throat, and extra effort as I remind my body to swallow. I am restless, my thoughts are racing—jumping around and all over the place and diving into my greatest fears—I will be alone, I won’t be “successful”, I am an utter failure, and all of my teeth are falling out. I feel tension in my shoulders and the back of my neck, my “spide-y senses” are working on overdrive and I can feel the hair on the back of my neck standing up. These are some of the many symptoms of anxiety. This is our bodies flashing lights, red flags, and the giant stop sign providing us with information that says: “slow down”, “something isn’t right” or “something feels off.”
I’m going to take a guess, and this has absolutely zero evidence, that the anxiety level of most of the world has increased a minimum of 5 points (although for those that already live in the zone of 10/10 anxiety, I’ve noticed that they are generally “okay” right now. That’s what you get when chaos is your norm). Anxiety is a natural human phenomenon, it serves an evolutionary purpose, and it is an adaptation. It alerts us to things we need to take a look at, to be cautious of and of things that are potentially harmful. It prepares us to respond and react, to evaluate to potential threats, quickening our reflexes and focusing in our attention. While fear is a reaction mode, Fear is reaction mode, anxiety is more of the preparing, the thinking through, the planning, looking for the escape hatch.
So, what does it mean to listen to our anxiety, to find the gift in it and figure out how to cope? The very first thing is to acknowledge that it is there. In this moment I am feeling anxiety. At 5am this morning when I woke up, picked up my phone and checked the time, it took me a minute to orient. I mean, it was 5am and I am not a morning person. Once I saw the time and noticed what was happening in my body, I distracted. I breathed, slowed my nervous system down by providing it with and nurturing my body with oxygen. I acknowledged that I was experiencing anxiety and that in this moment I wasn’t going to freak out.There was nothing I could do, so I played candy crush, snuggled with my dogs, and eventually went back to sleep. Emotions don’t and cannot last forever. They are providing us information and once we are able to acknowledge it we can then begin to process. Turning inwards and noticing our bodies and then making a decision after evaluating “am I safe?” “Am I confusing a real life tiger with a paper one?” If the answer is, in this very moment, I am safe, then breathe into it. The intensity will pass and then we can plan what to do. We can take action. And sometimes the action is to get out of bed, curl up on the couch, and watch Netflix for a couple hours until you can get back to sleep.
